The Bull
Jake Thackray

Introduction: "Basically I do not know which songs the BBC are going to take; I mean we just do a little sort of evening show, just do some singing, and they film bits of it. Most of its over and done with by now. And I keep on trying to get them to do this one, and the buggers aren't going to! Listen, its a peculiar song, and in parts offensive, and I didn't wish to be indelicate or, you know, purposefully offensive about it. I found this was the only way that I could say it, or sing it. See what you think; I quite like it, I quite like it."

On my farm the bull is the king of the yard,
He's big and bad and fast, he's strong, he's . . . hard.
All my other animals would readily concur
That he is the one you salute, he's the one you call "Sir".
But my hens, a noisy flighty flock,
Led of course by my unsubmissive cock -
Whenever His Majesty the bull importantly goes by,
They dance along behind him and they cry
"Beware of the bull!"

The bull, the bull is the biggest of all.
He is the boss, he is, because he's big and we are small.
But the bigger the bull, bigger the bull, bigger the balls.
The bigger the bull, the bigger and quicker and thicker the bullshite falls.

Beware of the bull, the dancing cock is right,
Beware of whoever looks down upon you from a height.
Beware of His Honour, His Excellence, His Grace, His Worshipful,
Beware of His Highness, because of the bull.
For if the boss, the chief, the chap at the top
Should let a single lump of claptrap drop,
The greater the weight and the height he is, the harder it will go,
With a grander splat on the bleeders below.
Beware of the bull!

The bull, the bull is the biggest of all.
He is the boss, he is, because he's big and we are small.
But the bigger the bull, bigger the bull, bigger the balls.
The bigger the bull, the bigger and quicker and thicker the bullshite falls.

The hero arrives, we hoist him shoulder high,
He's good and wise and strong, he's brave, he's . . . shy.
And how we have to plead with him, how bashfully he climbs
Up the steps to the microphone, two at a time.
Then down it comes - slick, slithery pat -
If you must put people on pedestals, wear a big hat.
The tongue he's got is pure gold, the breast is pure brass,
The feet are pure clay, and watch out for the arse.
Beware of the bull!

The bull, the bull is the biggest of all.
He is the boss, he is, because he's big and we are small.
But the bigger the bull, bigger the bull, bigger the balls.
The bigger the bull, the bigger and quicker and thicker the bullshite falls.

At long last the revolution comes,
And in no time at all we're erecting podiums.
Comrades with chests of medals by the balcony-full -
After the Red Flag the galloping bull.
The Saviour came especially from on high
To face up to the punters eye-to-eye.
No sooner is he dead and gone, there's blessed pulpits-full -
Bestride the Holy Lamb behold the bull.
Beware of the bull!

The bull, the bull is the biggest of all.
He is the boss, he is, because he's big and we are small.
But the bigger the bull, bigger the bull, bigger the balls.
The bigger the bull, the bigger and quicker and thicker the bullshite falls.

These well known men, so over glorified,
There's one of them here - his name's on the poster outside,
And he's up here like this, and you are all down there.
Remember his cock and his bull and mutter "Beware!"
For when they've done we clap, we cheer, we roar,
"For he is a jolly good fellow! Encore! More, more!"
How glorious it would be if before these buggers began
We all stood up together and solemnly sang
"Beware of the bull!"

The bull, the bull is the biggest of all.
He is the boss, he is, because he's big and we are small.
But the bigger the bull, bigger the bull, bigger the balls.
The bigger the bull, the bigger and quicker,
And the bigger and quicker and thicker,
And the bigger and quicker and thicker and slicker the bullshite falls.